Exquisite Regenesis…

My eyes kept searching for you today
My mind kept finding ways to meet again
My numbness was suddenly jeopardized
A brush of restlessness passed through my heart
Stupid silly and like a fool I may sound
But I wish I could tell someone
Something again I want to start!

Pinch her hard Pinch her strong …

With every blink the colour of water changed from blue to red

The chill in the breeze brought a sensation that was long dead

The sky and the height elicited beauty like before

Around she turned at thou to have it more

Pinch her hard Pinch her strong Pinch her sore….

It may be painful, It may be wrong

But she wants to orchestrate this song

Something just knocked her door

It was another dream, it was another hope

Pinch her hard Pinch her strong Pinch her sore….

From Ineffectual Efforts to Allied Destiny

“ This movie is so unrealistic , impractical , cheesy and dreamy. I just don’t like such larger than life cinema”; I made a special declaration to my dreamy eyed and little lost room-mate who gave me “ But I love the movie!” expression. Panorama of this event flashed through my eyes after half an hour into the movie called “Serendipity- a fortunate accident”.

Cut to today, three and a half years later; my biggest belief and sermon to all my near and dear ones is that of “destiny”. “If you are not meant to be with this person or do this job or visit this place; you would not whatever you may do; so just enjoy the best of today” I often tell my agonized friends. The destiny, the fate, the cosmos is where my discourses and reckoning end now.

And here is where I go to thinking; where, how and when did this transition happen and is this alteration for any good?

“What is destiny?” I try to elucidate. It’s a concept of predetermined course of events and a fixed natural order and time. It is the age old belief that every food grain has a name written on it for it’s consumer. It’s the most faithful raison d’etre to the random chance of meeting people who come for a reason and a season; or my dear friend bumping into a crush some umpteen times in spite of all attempts to avoid the soul; or living in a particular city in spite of all attempts towards stepping out.

When and how exactly do we or did I start believing in destiny; I question. Isn’t it when we start realizing and appreciating the unpredictability of our self created plans and do a status check of their process of execution. Higher the disparity, higher is search for reason of divergence. And fate provides the most comforting and convincing answer.

If that’s the case then is this belief of mine not making me absolutely irrelevant? Is it not implying that whatever I do; nothing would change. And if there is no relevance of my action to reactions; then why should I do anything at all. And this in turn means that I should just live for the sake of breathing and put no effort towards my relationships, work or personal self. After all whatever has to happen will happen As a friend verbalizes “it is all fixed; you better learn to manage around it”. That can’t lead me to anything good and encouraging I wonder scrutinizing my recent faith.

As I pass my days swinging between the dictums of “que sera sera- whatever will be will be” and “Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny”; I stumble by chance upon the teachings of our very own greatest epic –“Bhagvat Geeta”.

“If destiny is everything why do we need karma” asks Arjun and “if there is no effect on the fruit then why the plant of effort (karma)”. And says Krishna “Dear Arjun, the belief that destiny is decided by god or cosmos is incorrect. Destiny is indeed a calculation of your good and bad karmas spaced over time. It’s the motive of your efforts that finally leads to your fate”.

And here is where I stop considering effort and destiny as mutually exclusive concepts but apprehend the cause-effect as the nature of their relationship. In the end I still continue to live with my new found faith without undermining essence of my actions!

Spices across borders

19 September 2010 - After a long discussion over the mexican spice with a new friend, I end up at dominoes for my dinner . With the 200% intention of flaunting my new learning, I tell my friends – “Do you guys know exactly what is jalapino actually pronounced as!” They give me the "how many times will correct us" look telling me that I have been telling that j is silent for ages now.

I put my hat and glares on and with a smug expression and tell them, No it’s actually " hah- la - PEN -yo". And before I realize the course of discussion and what those amused facial expressions mean, I am standing in front of the order counter and this time not only to order my favorite dip but also try my new found discovery. With all style and elan I tell him

“One garlic bread with "hah-la- PEN - yo" dip . “

Blank expression.

Repeat::” One garlic bread with "hah-la- PEN - yo" dip . “

“Maam I am sorry, but we don’t have that.”

I go back one step with a sigh: “Garlic bread with a-la-peno dip . Please note my friend standing next to me has already started giggling and gurgling.”

Now he shows me the menu and tells me as a matter of fact "Maam we have only two dips - cheesy dip and jalap-π-no dip “

And then I finally remove my hat and glares and tell him with a look of disappointment: "Ok give me garlic bread with jalap-π-no dip, I will manage."

And before I realize me and my friends are bursting with laughter and it becomes the story of my day! But leaves wondering between” adopting purist, correct or authentic” and “adapting to localized pronunciations, habits and tastes”.

Twenty Five plus something

Let me take you through the world of a girl who just stopped looking like other girls to all sundry and important around her. The girl who no longer is a”simple” girl but a “single” girl and needs to get her act together. Ladies and gentleman I introduce you to someone who just crossed over to the other line of her twenty’s in this country called India.

The scene of this movie begins right at her home. Home, where every nook and corner vibrates with the discussion of her growing up and project” matrimony” that needs to be undertaken. Cooking suddenly becomes the most important chapter to be taught for the harried mother. The correction of the latch of her cupboard is postponed indefinitely as the poor girlie has to soon pack her bags anyways. All rights to television remote are given while little siblings snigger after cracking her marriage joke. The confused girl at all such moments gets surrounded by the clouds that make her hazy and more perplexed.

Scene cut to office lunch table. The professional office meant to have an alienation with her personal life has every table on the cafeteria questioning about her big plans. “ At your age I had a kid but my sister also talks like you” tells one. “25 is just the right time” come the words of wisdom followed by personal regrets of someone who took the step at big and old 27 and can’t plan kids easily. Kids, innumerous roles, responsibilities, ageing and here goes the endless banter over a woman’s ticking biological clock. And the girl is surrounded by hazy clouds of perplexity.

Friends are the next scene on the big screen.”I would know in a second” says a close colleague. “Click is the word which just happens” preaches the just recently engaged acquaintance. “Date for at least six months “recommends a best buddy. “ What if you never fall in love with the one “the buddy explains in an animated style. “You choose safely “counsels her dear girlfriend. Face book turns red and white and fellas ping on Gtalk asking for developments half expecting you to reveal your in-progress marital status. And the award winning is the one when she is asked to be as open and as careful as she is for choosing just the right pair of boots. Do I mention the clouds of haze that visit her after every such discussion!

And how do I forget the wedding, visiting, super concerned and sensitive relatives especially the aunties with potbellies and hairstyle of seventies whose favorite line is “are you looking for someone for your daughter, its high time you see”. “The next is your number” , the famous playful teasing followed by a silly grin. And here follows the Pandora ’s Box of advices and discussions. The courtship period that should be allowed or not be allowed. The right way to look for someone or what’s more important to look at. “Take care of family and qualification and rest would follow” says the one who has seen it and done it all. “No siblings” as the perfect imperfect situation to amount of travel done abroad. ” I tell you they lose morals” is retorted by “they are smarter”. “Too smart are not adequate marriage material ji.” tells the one in green , no red , no blue saree or whatever . And the same clouds visit the perplexed girl all around her.
And you if you thought that was it, then I must make you meet the doctor who looking at the zit on her face gives a prescription and quips “I understand it’s the face of a girl of a marriageable age” nodding with a look of genuine understanding at the parents who are made to realize the staring fact for the umpteenth time.

Advices galore and she tosses between her sheets wondering about the time when just a flower or a phone call from the latest crush was enough a reason to fall in love and dream. In midst of this chaos and madness is lost what she really wants. Is marriage not a promotion of love which was to be consuming, irrational, and spontaneous and stupid she ponders to sleep for another day/movie with different scenes but the same hazy clods of perplexity all around.

Twenty Five Plus something

Bidding Adieu…

What is that good in goodbye I always ponder, an act in itself so tough. Leaving behind what we had making every moment that rough …

To the loved one parting with whom is the condition on you that heaven imposed…
To the relationship that has already run its course …
To the adobe you lived in for years …
To that pair of jeans or the dress which was so dear …
To a way life as it now can only be a new way …
To that part of you that has outgrown the very you…

But then thinking about it all again I wonder, if adieu really ensued …
Aren’t the moments, people and possessions sheltered in the memory forever? So are the conventions of nature that consistency never stays for long. All the bad and the wrongs fade with time .What’s left are those special moments and what was right.